Saturday, May 27, 2017

Emotions and depression: How I've been..

Hi and welcome back to my blog! This will be a post about my emotions and things of that nature. Please be advised that some things in this post may cause tears or sadness. I am not looking for attention, I just want to be able to talk to people and let them know that they are not alone and it's okay to talk about how you feel. **This is a very personal topic but I wanted to share a little of my life story with you. Please be nice and considerate, thank you.**

Okay let's go way back in time to an eight year old version of me. I was diagnosed with depression at an early age. Along with depression I was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Even as a child I felt different from everyone. The kids at school, kids at church, even random kids at the playground. I have always tried to fit in. If I recall correctly, I think the first thing I was depressed about was my teeth. For people who don't personally know me, I have a gap in my front top teeth. As an adult now I love it! But when I was a kid people weren't too nice to me. I was picked on for being short, for having naturally long hair, and for being a little heavier than most kids.

My two siblings and I were raised by our grandmother. She's the best and I give her all props for taking us in. Our mother wasn't able to take care of us. She would pop in every now and then but that was about it. Even though we never lived with her and she never raised us, shes always mom no matter what.

So around January or February of 2013 I found out I was pregnant. I was 20 years old. I was terrified to tell anyone. I told my boyfriend (now fiance :) ) first, then my mom. One by one I started telling my close family and friends. I waited to tell my grandmother last because I was afraid to tell her the most. My mom was so excited to be a "glam-ma". She rubbed my stomach and talked to Aubree a lot. At that moment in my life me and my mom finally had a real relationship. I was able to talk to her like a long lost friend. I enjoyed every moment of it. Being pregnant for my 21st birthday really hurt me. I felt like 21 was a milestone that I missed.

My sister's birthday was in April. No one heard from our mom. My grandmother's birthday was in May. No call, no show. My birthday came and went without her. We felt like something was wrong. My grandmother and grandfather went to the police station to file a missing person report.


In Bailey, Ms our mother was found behind a house in a shallow grave. And next to her was a man in a shallow grave. To this day I don't know all the details but I was told it was drug/money related and my mom had nothing to do with it. She was literally at the wrong place at the wrong time. The guy who shot and killed her (I will not be sharing his name) is free today and my mother is still gone. When I heard of this I didn't want my baby anymore. I wasn't going to abort but put her up for adoption. I felt like I was dead inside, I felt like my mom's death was my fault. I feel like I still need my mother even though I'm a mom now. It still hurts. It hurts to hear my daughter ask where my mom is. She's only three, what do I say to her?

I just want people to know you may never know what is on a person's heart. You may never know why that person cries so much. Try to always be kind to people, we may never know what they are going through. I have tried cutting, attempted suicide, tried to overdose on medicine. I have basically tried to ruin my life to make it better. I have realized that there are people who actually care for me as a person and care about my well being. And for that I love ya'll and I greatly appreciate you.



No comments:

Post a Comment